I'd be with you in spirit if the example you've given wasn't so awkwardly written.
Try something like "Sebastian Shore's eighteenth birthday had just passed when he took up his place at the Engineering college" instead. It's wordier, but it's not stilted, and it doesn't make me wonder who "The engineer" is and why they've wandered into Sebastian's paragraph without an invitation. "Giving more information" is useless if your narrative isn't engaging.
this. the anon you replied to has about the right idea, but sticking 'the engineer' in there legitimately made me consider for a second that there's a second character. definitely awkward.
i wasn't trying to win a pulitzer, i was proving a point. again, different strokes for different folks but giving information is never useless. you can fix wording. you can't fix someone not knowing their character well enough to even get to a point where their writing flows. id rather have the tag be boring but informative than have twelve engaging paragraphs about nothing.
but that's just me. i work in news media where i will always accept brevity. but here have a better written section:
Knocking party balloons out of the way, Sebastian Shore passed by the counter swipping a finger through his eighteenth birthday cake. The clock reads 7:56AM. "Plenty of time." Heading down to his workshop, he fires up the soldering iron for his latest project. An improved sensor for a prosethtic arm acutely aware of the user's still functioning nervous system just underneath the skin. He switched on his music, Arctic Monkeys,--
"Mr. Shore, your first appointment has arrived."
That's not a part of the song.
W/e, w/e its like 7am here. anyway, you get my point. i'm just saying no one in this day and age is that confused when someone say "the swordsman" or whatever for their character. they are using techniques poorly but again. that can improve over time and through crit and/or suggestion.
I was the anon who originally said I didn't like epithets. Then I stepped away from this thread because it wasn't the hill I was going to die on. Glad to see that since then, there's been some more nuanced discussion—because I agree with both you and ayrt!
it's almost like... good writing... allows for a variety of techniques to work depending on personal preference, and that the real problem is, to reference your comment, using techniques poorly.
(as a sidebar, I'm not sure if your most recent writing sample is supposed to be in defense of epithets, but I consider it a good example of how varied sentence structure can make writing engaging without resorting to epithets. regardless, I don't think we actually disagree here.)
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wankgate2016-05-01 10:03 am
-.5
(Anonymous) 2016-05-10 04:01 am (UTC)(link)Try something like "Sebastian Shore's eighteenth birthday had just passed when he took up his place at the Engineering college" instead. It's wordier, but it's not stilted, and it doesn't make me wonder who "The engineer" is and why they've wandered into Sebastian's paragraph without an invitation. "Giving more information" is useless if your narrative isn't engaging.
+1
(Anonymous) 2016-05-10 01:38 pm (UTC)(link)Re: -.5
(Anonymous) 2016-05-10 02:22 pm (UTC)(link)but that's just me. i work in news media where i will always accept brevity. but here have a better written section:
Knocking party balloons out of the way, Sebastian Shore passed by the counter swipping a finger through his eighteenth birthday cake. The clock reads 7:56AM. "Plenty of time." Heading down to his workshop, he fires up the soldering iron for his latest project. An improved sensor for a prosethtic arm acutely aware of the user's still functioning nervous system just underneath the skin. He switched on his music, Arctic Monkeys,--
"Mr. Shore, your first appointment has arrived."
That's not a part of the song.
W/e, w/e its like 7am here. anyway, you get my point. i'm just saying no one in this day and age is that confused when someone say "the swordsman" or whatever for their character. they are using techniques poorly but again. that can improve over time and through crit and/or suggestion.
nayrt
(Anonymous) 2016-05-10 05:26 pm (UTC)(link)it's almost like... good writing... allows for a variety of techniques to work depending on personal preference, and that the real problem is, to reference your comment, using techniques poorly.
(as a sidebar, I'm not sure if your most recent writing sample is supposed to be in defense of epithets, but I consider it a good example of how varied sentence structure can make writing engaging without resorting to epithets. regardless, I don't think we actually disagree here.)