wankgate | 240: i own the nfts to all your icons

240: i own the nfts to all your icons

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I agree that being stable is a good prerequisite for becoming a parent. I don’t agree that “wanting to be a parent” is a bad reason to become a parent because I don’t know under what circumstances that would not be true but being a parent would be a good thing.

because "i want to be a parent" is often used to say "i want a child who will depend on and love me" rather than "i want to raise a child into a good adult and make the world a better place for it"

anyone whos ever had dysfunctional neglectful parents can tell you that wanting to be a mom (or dad) because it looks cute and fun is not even in the same galaxy as understanding the necessary sacrifices to raise a well-adjusted human who won't hate you as soon as they're old enough to feel things about more than cereal and cartoons. if someone's not worried about their future budget with a kid, they're pretty obviously not thinking about that kid's long-term well-being

my mom basically had kids because she assumed having children means they're guaranteed to love you and put up with all of your bullshit and then was shocked when we had thoughts and feelings of our own that did not align with cancelling our entire adult lives to live next door to her because that's how people lived when she was growing up.

the expense and sacrifice doesn't even include if your children are born with special needs. my friend has a special needs child and the amount of extra financial hoops not to mention social/societal hoops she has to jump through for her kid is more than you could imagine. anyone who says "i just want to be a parent" without a solid game plan for the next twenty years is setting themselves and their kid up for failure and that's not right.

i'd like to flip the script and ask anon what isn't a good reason to adopt/foster if someone wants to be a parent so bad.

if the answer is "it's too expensive" like it is in this case, then you can't afford to have a baby, period. otherwise, it's selfish to bring another child into this shitty world simply because you want it to be "yours" and no one else's. in that case your ulterior motive whether you realize it or not isn't to actually raise a child, you just want to own one.

because the worst people that insist on being parents can do it 'on their own' without needing to be checked in on by cps or regulatory agencies that most foster/adoptive parents need to go through. they're flimsy checks, but checks nonetheless. poor alice mctrailertrash can pop out eight kids, but she couldn't foster/adopt any because her living conditions suck.

the people that are too broke to afford ivf or baby costs can't afford adoption and the adoption centers would call them out on it.

i know you're being facetious because in the context of a cishet couple that's accurate. in this context, this is a lone asexy looking into sketchy fertility clinics for donors to have a baby by herself. you're probably right that no reputable adoption center would ever approve her, so she's resorting to these shady methods to get pregnant.

just a hunch but i think the issues her family has have been less about "invalidating her asexuality" and more the questionable decisions she's making in choosing the life of a single mother in a time where she's still asking the internet for help with rent.

You shouldn't look at adoption as an alternative to IVF or having a child the traditional way. You should only foster/adopt if you're specifically interested in fostering or adoption instead of having a biological child.

Infants (and let's be real, even children under the age of about 5) are in 'high demand', for lack of a less capitalistic term. If a women goes through an adoption agency to place her newborn child that agency will have a dozen immaculate candidates lined up within a week. In many cases it would genuinely be faster to go through the entire surrogacy process twice over than it would be to wait to find an infant to adopt.

Adopting an older kid might be faster but they're more likely to have health issues that take a lot of time, effort, patience, and empathy to help them with, even when those issues aren't severe. They're more likely to remember their biological parents. They may have relationships with grandparents or aunts/uncles that you would not only be morally wrong to interfere with, you could be legally barred from doing so.

In all cases there's also the risk that the family you're adopting from could pull out at the last second. Closed adoptions are all but non-existent these days. Biological family members might try to sue for custody or visitation, and even though they usually fail the process is stressful. The bias against adoption and adopted children is still alive. Even if you do everything perfectly your child might feel a disconnect between themselves and their adopted family, especially siblings.

This isn't an anti-adoption rant. I have a tremendous amount of respect for adoptive parents. Kids in the foster system absolutely deserve loving families. But someone that makes a fantastic parent to their own biological children isn't necessarily going to make a good adoptive parent and it's both naive and cruel to pretend otherwise. There's a reason roughly 1/3 of potential parents consider adoption but only 2% go through with it.

i think ayrt's point was more that if someone really did want to be a parent for the right reasons, they would go through the channels to adopt a child who already needed a family and a home instead of embarking on a crowdfunded vanity scheme to get ivf from shady fertility clinics

if wanting to be a parent is the only reason despite being constantly broke, then it's not a good reason. this is esp the case if your plan is to raise it alone.

tbh this is no better than those dumb bitches who claim "god will provide for the child" when it's clear the parent can't.

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240: i own the nfts to all your icons

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