251: back in my day wank meant something

[ryanongosling]

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Comments

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

seeing someone "mourning" people because they're having a child was a definite wtf moment for me. their explanation definitely didn't make it better since they apparently think people stop growing as a person when you have a child and their focus shifts to their family.

i can understand the reasoning behind it because my friends have been having kids while i don't see myself having any, and it definitely affects the time we used to spend with each other or what we can do since they now have a baby or toddler on hand. the thing is i'm willing to make adjustments since my schedule and time is more flexible then theirs since i don't have a child, and i'm fine with accommodating my friend because i do want to spend time with them even as they're going through major life changes. but their focus is on how they won't have as much time to spend with them in fandom, movies, and games. i'm just baffled because it comes across as extremely self centered and selfish to me.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

eh i understand it because sadly there are a whole lot of people who just completely lose their own identity once they have kids and become unable to have conversations about anything that isn't their child. i've unfortunately had to drop a number of friendships over this because we just didn't have anything in common anymore, they didn't want to talk about the tv shows we used to watch together or our favorite book series or anything that we had bonded over in the past, it was just all their kid all the time even when you tried to change the subject. it was like they couldn't grasp that the rest of the world doesn't care about their kid as much as they do and that their friends might actually want to still talk about the shared interests over which you became friends in the first place.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

i can understand that, and it does suck when that happens because there's really nothing you can do. having a child can turn someone into a completely different person that is no longer your friend, and i won't lie that i've never dropped friendships myself over that. it's just their belief that when anyone has a child they completely stagnate and are unable to grow as a person.

but friendships are one thing. this person is talking about their own sibling and how unhappy they are they're starting a family because in their words they are going to "lose" them for twenty years and won't get them back until then.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

i can see having that viewpoint if your only experience with friends/family having kids has been the kind where they turned into completely different people that weren't the people you used to know. i honestly thought that was just what happened when people had kids because that was my own experience for a while until a couple of my friends had kids and were still exactly the same as they were before, just with less free time.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

ngl, that person sounds emotionally immature and like they had a superficial friendship to begin with if they're deeply mourning the loss of something so minor in the grand scheme of things. i feel bad for their friend and hope for their sake, they haven't invested too much emotioally in that bond.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

the thing is what made them reveal this wasn’t a friend having a baby, but their sibling. i can’t imagine resenting your unborn niece or nephew for taking away your family.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

that just makes it worse and hints at some sort of dysfunction that probably needs to be addressed, tbh.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

i wouldn't make a plurk like this because people would react poorly, but i understand the feeling. if my good friend suddenly changes everything about themself and they never talk to me again, i'm going to be sad as fuck, even if the change is because of parenthood. "because baby" doesn't make it less sad.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

+1

i've lost people i had thought were good friends because of parenthood and it sucks. it's always a bummer to find out that people don't value a friendship as much as you thought they did.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

sorry keeping a child alive is difficult and in fact more important than a friendship. prioritizing the relationships in the opposite would be neglect. hope that clears some things up for you.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

i know a LOT of parents (one from rp, a few from gaming, most are friends from high school or relatives) and i'd say most are basically the same, just busier and for the first few years i really didn't *love* seeing them because all they could talk about was the baby, but it wasn't any WORSE than having a friend who wouldn't shut the fuck up about a fandom hyperfixation i thought was stupid.

but i have lost some friends to parenthood! a few who just decided everything else had simply been a waiting room until they could become "a real adult" and are zombies now, and a few who used it as an excuse to indulge in selfishness and control freak issues. like most people will understand that their friends can't all change their schedules to match your new one, because we all have jobs and lives of our own. but suzy baby bitch would decide we're awful friends if we wouldn't contort our lives to fit suzy's bitch baby schedule, and would have to make every single gathering or meetup about her little bitchy baby problems. and that does happen. it happens to a lot of people and it sucks, and it's sad to lose a friend, be it over bitch baby issues or zombie issues.

it's a social taboo to express it though! babies are on pedestals, even bitch suzy's. so i still wouldn't plurk about it. risks too many people getting their pearls riled.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

ngl as someone who has a few friends who have kids, has family who have kids, and acquaintances who have kids... Wanting to make sure your baby grows up healthy is not the same as not valuing your friendships, and the fact that you have to make it one or the other feels more like you only value the friendship if it's about you.

People don't realize how hard it is to raise a kid, and honestly every time I meet with my friends who have kids, all I want to do is help them so they can rest during the time we're hanging out. I play with the kid and watch over them so their parents can get some food and breathe a little. I don't even like kids, but I like my friends, and so I help them out, and we can talk about fandoms and life updates normally without acting like their child is a hindrance to that.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

as someone who is currently trying to have a kid, fuck are all the replies to this depressing.

it really reinforces my decision to tell as few of my friends about it as possible, if this is how people are going to see me: as someone who is leaving them behind and becoming a fundamentally less interesting person with a less rich inner life.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

seems like the dissolution of these friendships on some level is a self-fulfilling prophecy

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

i can't fathom being upset about friends having kids, if it helps. i think there are plenty of adults who may not want kids who are happy enough for friends who have them. Will it change how much time you spend together or how things are?

Sure, undoubtedly. But so will any other life advancement like college or grad school or a promotion to a busier position. As long as both parties still make an effort to maintain the friendship it can be maintained. It always takes more effort as you get older and move out of the things that keep you together, but is that a bad thing?

Example: many people have said once friends stop roleplaying they drift apart, in this community. In my experience I've kept the friendships I wanted to with people who quit because we both kept up the effort. Someone quitting rp or having kids or moving doesn't make them less interesting or less compatible as my friends, it just means sometimes we both need to put in a little more effort to stick together.

I think what's happening is a lot of people are telling on themselves as being shite friends.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

agreed. friendships become more casual once you stop rping but it's the same with work friends once you leave a job/irl hobby.

everyone is a grown-up with a busy life... these people aren't your irl bestie or boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other... it's a friendship, it's going to fluctuate based on what's happening in life. staying friends takes maturity and compassion (which this community lacks).

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

oh boo hoo. becoming a parent is a major life-altering change. if you're too fragile to endure some nerd friends not finding you as interesting anymore, how the fuck are you going to survive parenthood? get a grip.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

Go to therapy

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

The truth hurts. Not everyone is going to see you that way but unfortunately some might, especially if there's not a mutual effort made to maintain the friendship and/or if every single conversation with you becomes one-sided monologuing about your kid. Just keep putting in that effort with your friendships and you'll be fine.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

the unfortunate truth is, anon, that most rpers and gamers aren't parents. most aren't actively trying to be parents. most aren't emotionally mature enough to empathize with parenting and the highs and lows of it, and as we've seen in this thread, most are going to be upset and dismissive of you when you just even try to bring your kid into the conversation.

it's okay to let those people go. friendship is a two-way street, and the few ones who don't mind that you have this extra dimension to your life now and are supportive of you will still be there. ignore the ones who can't meet you halfway, between their interests and yours, because they probably weren't really your friends anyway.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

i feel like you're missing the entire point of this thread tbh. as long as you make an effort on your own end to maintain your existing friendships and don't become a person whose entire existence is their kid and nothing but their kid, people will be happy to stay friends with you even when you become a parent.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

I hope everything goes well with your future family! <3 I wouldn't care if my rp partner had children/prioritized their baby. It's kinda werid seeing how mentally ill our community is?? This website is mostly women so their child-like reactions to their friends having children is... idk it's definitely strange and immature.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

fwiw three if my best friends I've made via dw/ljrp have been moms. one doesn't rp anymore but that wasn't just bc of her kid and she still has plenty of fun hobbies (we're still Facebook friends and she just posted some awesome cosplay she's working on with her kid). the other two still do, one with a very young child and one with a much older one, and regardless of if they gotta take a break for a while to focus on that I'm always happy to talk to them and hear about their life and tag when they have the time.

good luck with your family, I'm sure most of your rp friends will be reasonable about it, wankgate isn't actually a barometer of what most people think.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

Obviously not everybody's experiences are the same and all people are different, but my best friend of 19 years had a baby 5 years ago and I haven't seen her since. We live about 3 hours away from each other and while I understand that it can be difficult to make that drive with a young child, any time I've offered to make the trip I'm met with some child related excuse or reason as to why this weekend isn't good or next weekend there's insert child thing here. No time for phone calls, only two or three word replies to texts and I always have to initiate the conversation. I haven't messaged her in 8 months, wanna see if she ever reaches out to me first.

Maybe she isn't less interesting with a less rich inner life, but its hard for me not to feel like she's left me behind. If someone has kids then those kids really should be their first priority, more power to her there. Just sucks that I'm not a part of her life anymore.

Re: PLURK PET PEEVES

[(Anonymous)]

returning to this days later and dang
i was anticipating maybe a buttpat or two and probably a troll comment. didn't realize i was throwing a pumpkin full of meat into wg's enclosure.

thank you, though, genuinely, to the anons who offered kind and thoughtful words (and reminders not to take wankgate, of all fucking places, too seriously).